Oh. My. God.

And you thought they were in China...

It's exactly what it looks like. My life has officially become an un-funny version of Office Space.

Seriously. Work's not usually as Dilbert-ish as I make it sound like, but HR has taken it upon themselves to make everyone be bestest best friends. Fowevuh.

In order to have this special bonding moment (or MONTH), we’ll be having the OFFICE OLYMPICS.

The opening ceremony/pizza lunch is the most promising event by far.

I've prepared a list of the events and who I think will take home the gold, as well as some of those who will be going home empty-handed.

Monday: Water cooler race (do you think they mean chugging races?)

Projected winner: Me. I’m in college.

Tuesday: Golf.


Projected winner: The Lobbyists and top execs have this one in the bag.

Wednesday: Office Walk Marathon.

Projected winner: Everyone’s a winner on this one. Getting paid to walk around and talk to your friends for as long as you possibly can? Maybe this company bonding thing isn’t as bad as I originally thought…

Thursday: Wastepaper basketball.

Projected losers: Cleaning staff.

Friday: CD Discus throw.

Projected losers: The Cds. And anything they happen to smash up against. And people who are standing too close and get blinded by the shards of disk that fly into their eyes. Do you think they’ll get a good settlement out of that?

Projected winner: The blind person.

But wait! –There’s more.

What you get when you google horse and elevator

Monday: Equestrian event.

Projected winner/loser: Whoever manages to get HORSES up the ELEVATOR.

Tuesday: Toilet paper bowling.

Projected loser: Whoever gets stranded on the toilet staying late at the office.

Wednesday: Pencil javelin throw.


Projected winner: Legal team. They’re gonna be really busy with all of these blindness lawsuits.

Thursday: Synchronized. Chair. Dancing.

Projected loser: The Interns. Being the slave of your department automatically gets you entered into this event-to-end all events. I pointed out that it’s hard to be synchronized with only one person, and everyone suddenly got very busy and had to go. Huh.

Friday: Closing Ceremonies.

Finally.

I wonder how much I’m going to get paid for these shenanigans.